The Best Laid Plans

These past two years have not gone as I planned. You know how they say the best laid plans can fail? They definitely did. When I stepped off the plane in December 2017 after spending 3 years in the jungles of Ecuador, I had the next year planned out. I was convinced I would be in Brazil by January 2019, if not sooner. 

January came and went, yet I was still there. 

Absolutely nothing has gone the way I imagined. The approval took longer than I thought. Fundraising took longer than I thought. My visa took longer than I thought it would. Even just getting down to Campinas took longer than I thought it would. Seriously. Everything that could be delayed was. Almost literally. It was actually ridiculous sometimes.

I wish I could tell you that I rolled with the punches with the best of them. I wish I could say that I took every delay with the grace and understanding that you would expect. But… I didn’t. I’m still human after all. I got frustrated so many times. I didn’t understand. I was so close, why was it all of a sudden so hard? I was frustrated because nothing was going according to my plan…

Oh. My plan.

That was the problem. I was looking at my plan. The easy plan. The path of least resistance. I should’ve learned by now that that’s not how this life works.

While I was in the States, I did Beth Moore’s Bible study on the life of David. As we were digging into his life, God showed me something. David was just a kid when he was anointed to be king. He didn’t just walk up to the throne the day he was anointed . He went right back to the field. He still had to grow up. He even spent a few years literally running for his life from Saul. I don’t think any of that was part of his plan to become king.

He didn’t know at the time that all of the delays and all of the struggles were preparing him to become king. All of those things made him a better man. They drew him closer to God. We tend to have a negative view of setbacks. We see delays as defeat. We become frustrated, asking God why on earth He let it happen the way it did. But here’s the thing: His plans are way better than ours will ever be.

I look back at how I got here, and I see His hand in it all. I see where He was preparing me for what He’s doing today in my life. Yes, there’s still so much I don’t understand, but I’ve been able to trust Him this far. Why would I stop now?

He already knows what’s going to happen, so even when we don’t understand, we can trust that He knows what He’s doing. He wouldn’t bring us this far just to leave us. God was using my circumstances, the good and the bad, to prepare me for what’s coming. God is using your circumstances, the good and the bad, to prepare you for what’s coming.

Among The Redwoods

My family tree is not beautiful. It’s not like the Redwoods that have roots that run deep and are as old as the earth itself. It isn’t known for its majesty or beauty. People don’t travel for miles to see it. It doesn’t have strong branches where birds can rest. It isn’t teeming with life.

My legacy is wrought with alcoholism, abuse, witchcraft, and who knows what else. My family tree is twisted and gnarled. It’s been charred and damaged. The strong winds have pulled it up. The roots are exposed. The branches are bare; It’s not beautiful to look at. 

I don’t come from a family legacy of Christians. There aren’t generations of believers who came before me that committed their entire lives to Christ. They were broken people who didn’t know God. But in the scars of the tree, there was redemption. Somewhere, among the roots of my family tree, a seed was planted. In the midst of death, a new tree began to grow.

My family is not a picture perfect family. I can’t look back and see God interwoven through the roots of our tree. But you know what? That’s okay. It may not be beautiful or majestic like the Redwoods, but God is restoring it. He’s healing it from the roots and making something new.

There is something beautiful about a family tree that has Christ as a part of every branch and root. But there is also something beautiful about a tree that He has redeemed and made beautiful in spite of the twisted roots and broken branches. A tree that has new growth.

I don’t know why God called me. I don’t understand why He chose a gnarled tree over a Redwood. But… I see a new tree beginning to grow. Right in the middle of the old one. Maybe soon, there will be a Redwood growing among the exposed roots.

My Favorite Books of 2018

Anyone who knows me knows I absolutely love reading. As of today, I’ve read 65 books this year. My yearly goal is usually 52 (one a week). This year I decided I’d write a short post on my 5 favorites, with a few honorable mentions. Putting this list together was so hard! A few notes: These books are in no particular order because I don’t even know where I’d begin in ordering them. Also, not all of these books were released in 2018. I hope you enjoy!

Dance, Stand, Run by Jess Connolly

This one is for ladies (sorry dudes, more for you later!). I adored this book. In this book, Jess talks about living in grace and holiness and how we need both. My copy is filled with highlights and notes all through it. Jess has such a heart for living on mission and growing the Kingdom of God and it’s so evident in this book. It’s perfect if you’re looking for a book that goes deeper than most books out there.

Dancing On The Head of a Pen by Robert Benson

This book encouraged me so much in my writing. Robert Benson has a unique way with words that I love. Although writing is something I love, I find it hard to actually do. He made me feel not so alone in struggling to actually sit down and write. He gives practical advice on how to deal with critics, who to write for, and so much more.

Beyond The Circle Series by Ted Dekker

Okay, this may be considered cheating since this is two books, but I can’t put one without the other. I make the rules anyway. The first book I ever read by Ted Dekker was Black, the start of The Circle Series. I was 11 and the entire world he created captured me. When I got invited to read the ARCs of this series, I couldn’t say no. Going back into the world that solidified my love of reading was too good to pass up. Beyond the Circle follows the story of a blind girl named Rachelle as she begins to dream of another world where she can see. If you read The Circle Series then reading this series is a no-brainer. With many characters from The Circle returning, you’re going to love it.

Remember God by Annie F. Downs

This is the book I gave away this year. Seriously, I loved it so much I bought around 10 copies for friends because it’s that good. Annie writes her story about what to do when it’s hard to believe that God is kind. This book was so healing to my soul. It was in my hands right when I needed it. If 2018 was a difficult year for you, go pick this up. (Also the audiobook is great. Annie reads it herself and I loved listening to it.)

The Line Between by Tosca Lee

This is actually an ARC I got last month. The book doesn’t release until January 29th, but I read it this year and had to include it. This thriller is about a young woman named Wynter that escapes a cult only to return to a world being ravaged by a disease thought to be extinct. This book is insane. There’s not another word from it. By the time you think you know what’s going on, something else goes wrong. I’ve always loved Tosca’s writing and this is her best work. Did I mention it has a sequel coming later next year? You’ll be counting down the days until it’s out along with me.

Honorable Mentions:

The Seven Deadly Friendships by Mary E. Demuth: A great book to read if you’re struggling with friendships in your life. Mary lists what she believes to be the seven deadliest friendships a person can have and how to handle them.

100 Days to Brave by Annie F. Downs: An incredible daily devotional for those looking to be braver in their lives. I read this last year starting January 1st and I’m doing it again this year.

H3 Leadership by Brad Lomenick: A practical book on leadership. I loved how direct and to the point the writing is. Perfect for ministry or business leadership.

I’ve read some incredible books this year, but these are the ones I recommend the most. If you decide to pick up any of these, let me know what you think of them!

Digging Roots

The hardest part of missions for me has always been digging roots. Heck, it’s been the hardest part of life for me. But it wasn’t always this way.
When I was young friendships weren’t a problem. It was easy, even. But I got hurt many times over the years. I’ve never really had a close friendship last more than 3 or 4 years. So I quit trying. I quit trying to get close to people because it really only meant more pain for me. It just meant more people that had walked out of my life.

I remember when I first got to Ecuador being terrified of getting too close to people. Here’s the thing, I knew from the first time I walked into Sucua that I would leave one day. Brazil was always the end goal. So my first instinct? Keep everyone at arm’s length until I left. Get just close enough to not get hurt, yet still be effective.

But I ran into a problem. I wasn’t helping anyone. Because you can’t be an effective missionary without digging roots. Missions work is made up of relationships. It’s in the job description. And I was keeping myself so closed off that I wasn’t building any relationships.

I remember around this time God reminding me of a quote from C.S. Lewis: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

My natural tendency is to lock my heart in a box. To keep it safe from anyone who could maybe possibly one day hurt me. I say “is” because I still struggle with this. But I can see how much God has changed me since then. During my three years in Ecuador, I got close. For the first time in a long time, I made myself vulnerable. And I don’t regret a moment of it.

I know that leaving Ecuador hurt because I dug deep roots there; I had intertwined my life with the lives of the people I worked with. And when your life gets mixed up in other people’s lives things get messy and weird and sometimes confusing. But isn’t anything good worth fighting for?

During my time here in the States, I’ve fought to keep being vulnerable. I’ll be honest, it hasn’t been easy. Relationships are tough and messy because imperfect humans are involved. And even though these last couple of years have been some of the most painful years of my life, they’ve also been the most fulfilling. Truly loving others the way God has called us to hurts sometimes, but I’m learning that it is so rewarding.

A few weeks ago as I was planting the winter plants at my church, I noticed roots from the plants that had been there before still mixed in with the soil. There are always roots left behind if the plant was there long enough.

Anytime we decide to be where we are, to dig roots into the place we’re in, a part of us will be left behind when we leave. My hope is that everywhere I go from now on, people will still find the roots I left behind in their lives. That even after I’ve left the States and moved to Brazil, that I will have left behind something good. I have a long way to go, but I’m making progress.

The Bones // Family

When Brooke asked me to take 2-year-old pictures of her daughter, I was THRILLED to do them! She also asked if I could take a few family shots while we were together. The Bones are a precious family in my church. I adored taking photos of this sweet family. And doesn’t Selah make the cutest Minnie Mouse??

 

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Unlikely Roommates

This post was written the week I knew I wouldn’t be returning to Ecuador as a missionary. Even though I was overjoyed that I would be going to Brazil, my heart still ached because I didn’t know when I would see the people I fell in love with again. There’s a type of grieving that happens when your entire life is changed so suddenly. This is a look into those last three months I spent in my old life.

I’ve always thought of joy and grief as enemies. Two emotions that can’t occupy the same space because they’re simply too big to leave room for the other. But recently I’ve learned that’s not the case.

Joy and grief actually live together.

They’re roommates that pass each other throughout the day, walking through this life together. They tend to be found together because if grief didn’t have joy, it would be unbearable. As I sit here feeling the grief, it doesn’t hurt so bad. Because joy is sitting right beside her, reminding her of all of the good memories. “Remember when…” Joy is there so that grief remembers why the pain is worth it.

You see, grief is that feeling of something missing, like the ghost of something that could have been. It’s like a piece of your heart was broken off and you’re searching so desperately to find it, so desperate to feel whole again. It’s drowning in a sea of hurt and regrets and “what if”s.

But joy… oh, joy. Joy is knowing that yes, it’s missing… But it’ll be okay. It’s knowing that you will be whole again, soon. Joy is the memories. It’s your laugh when you go back to the time you may have almost died… Almost. Joy is the gratitude you have for the time you did have even if it wasn’t near as much as you wanted. Joy is the lifeboat that keeps you afloat when you feel like drowning.

Grief may feel like you’re roaming in the dark but joy is close by slowly guiding you home, no matter how lost you think you are. Because joy sees beyond the darkness of the night you’re in. Joy knows the way home.

This process of sharing a home with joy and grief has taught me this:

Grief reminds you that you’re human.

But joy reminds you that you’re alive.

Does God Like Me?

I used to ask myself a lot when I was younger if God liked me. You’re probably wondering why a kid would ask that question. Well, my mom (sorry mom I still love you) used to say something a lot:

“Just because I have to love someone doesn’t mean I have to like them.”

Maybe you’ve heard that too. Maybe you’ve even said it yourself. Well, my little 10-year-old self used to wonder if God also felt that way. Let’s be honest for a second here. We all want to be liked. We may act like we don’t care, but we all want to know someone out there likes us. We want to know that people enjoy our company.

I felt like God had no choice but to love me. He created me so He kinda had to right? God loving me was great and all but I wanted to know that He liked me. It was easier to believe that He loved me than that He liked me. Maybe you find yourself asking that, too.

I think about Adam and Eve in the garden. God would go walk in the evening with them. He didn’t have to go to the garden to walk with them. He could have stayed in heaven and not worried about them. But He chose to spend time with them because He liked being with them.

And guess what? God likes you. He is genuinely interested in your life. He wants to spend time with you. He would take you to get ice cream and listen to you talk about your worries and your dreams and what you have to do tomorrow. He’ll sit on the end of your bed when you’ve had a bad day and tell you it’s all gonna be okay. He wants to know the little things. When it comes down to it, He just wants you. All of you. The messy and emotional and sometimes weird parts of you, too.

And even though you may think He has better things to do than listen to you or bigger problems to handle, you’re wrong. Because if God had to pick between you and His to-do list, He’d choose you every time. Every day, over and over again. Every. Single. Time.

He’s always choosing you. He’s always choosing me.

No matter how annoying or weird or unlikable I think I am sometimes. I am not another item on His to-do list. I am not a chore for Him. I am not His “problem”. I’m just simply… His.

I think He likes that.